NO SEX… WHAT’S WRONG WITH US?
NO SEX… WHAT’S WRONG WITH US?
Let’s talk about sex. It’s on a lot of couples’ minds. We hear from many couples who are concerned about their sexual connection. Coming to us, is the most common phrase I hear from couples when they first come in… and usually, they whisper “ is there something wrong with us?”.
Let’s talk about discrepancy and desire. When one person wants sex a lot more than the other person. And “is there something wrong with us?”
How do we help those couples with the Gottman method?
First of all, for people who are reading this, this is one of the most common and normal topics in couples. One person might have a higher or lower sexual libido. It’s very normal. You are not broken, it’s part of relationships. When working with these couples, I’ve seen so many come in with a taboo topic, there is a lot of shame, and a “hush” mindset. I love opening up that conversation in a safe environment in order for couples to ask those questions. Because sex life is important for relationships. One of the things I let couples know is that this is very normal and I also provide hope!
There’s a lot of educating couples. Biologically what does this look like? Or environmentally? Or helping couples to start having those conversations and to be comfortable is one of the biggest things that research has shown. It helps couples to have a more satisfying sex life!.
So what was that important secret?
How do couples have a more satisfying sex life?
The more they communicate or talk with one another about their sex life! I am not saying: “hey are you horny today?”. It’s about going deeper. “What are your turn-ons, what turns you off, what are your beliefs?”. All of that about sex life actually has a more satisfying sex life. REALLY learning how to talk about sex.
As simple as it sounds, it’s really a lot harder for most of our couples. How many people have really been raised in a home or environment where sex is talked about, where it is encouraged to be talked about, and where they are comfortable talking about it? Unfortunately, it’s all too rare! Here at Couples Counseling ATL, we do a great job to create a safe environment for couples, for them to both learn how to open up about it, to learn what’s normal, and to not feel so ashamed. For couples to not be so secretive about all their desires and all of their sadness. So many couples are carrying around secret feelings of tragedy about their sex life. So by beginning to open up, and learning about how normal some of these issues are and how treatable they are, we begin to help by helping them have those conversations.
What do we find ourselves repeating a lot when it comes to education about sexual desire or how to make a sustainable sex life possible in the long term?
The biggest thing is to Normalize things. Especially because people have never been taught. I like to tell couples that it’s very systemic. It’s not only about the “penis and vagina moment” (sorry for being so direct), but being able to have these conversations where it impacts the trust. It impacts the playfulness and the fun in their relationship. It impacts different life stages: so becoming parents, physically you change. So viewing it holistically or from a systemic perspective, really helps couples to be educated and also to understand and to have these conversations.
