Stay Connected During Stressful Times by Stephanie Cook, LCSW, CGT
With the COVID-19 public health crisis, many of us are feeling anxious, worried, and stressed. You have many good reasons. It's not every day we face a pandemic. Maybe you'll look back on this someday, years into the future, and reflect on this era. What will it say about your relationship? Now is the chance to be there for your partner.
We all react in different ways. One of the best gifts you can give your partner is "being there for them" in whatever way that means. Maybe it's a willingness to yet again go to the grocery to buy supplies (even if you disagree with how much toilet paper you need!). Maybe it's taking turns watching the kids who are out of school so you can both get some work done.
But likely, the easiest way to be there for your partner more is through conversation. If you don't already have a ritual for de-stressing, you need to learn how to start having a stress-reducing conversation. As you begin the typical daily "check in" talk after work, with something like "how was your day?" start to think about it in a new way. The research supports how critical this habit is to master relationships where both people feel genuinely connected.
What I'd like to teach you goes beyond the simple technique of "active listening" and helps couples learn how to connect deeply. The primary goal of active listening is that you listen (and not just "hear") what they're saying with empathy. You put yourself in their shoes, and suspend all judgment. No one feels very emotionally close with their partner if they aren't really listening. It's a lot harder to listen when your partner is complaining to you about you. But using active listening to understand what's bothering them is one of the most significant investments you can make in your relationship. It builds trust and the feeling of "being there for one another" and "caring enough to just listen".
Create the habit of listening to your partner's worries, their complaints, their fears, and what angers them, especially outside of you and the relationship. You become the most significant source of comfort and the one person in the world who understands and "has their back."
This habit creates a general culture of supporting one another, and understanding each other. This habit strengthens your mutual love and trust. So here are eight guiding rules for having this type of "stress-reducing" discussion:
1. One at a Time. Even toddlers know this, but we forget as adults. Each partner gets to be the speaker for fifteen minutes. Share what ails you, especially something outside the relationship that isn't related to your partner.
2. Don't give unsolicited advice. Understanding must precede advice. This is huge. Few people like unsolicited advice.
3. Show genuine interest. You don't have to be interesting, just interested. Don't look at your phone. Don't look at your watch. Please give them your full presence and attention. Look at their face, nod, and convey curiosity. Ask questions.
4. Communicate your understanding. Show them how you feel for them, can understand what they're trying to say, and that you feel empathy for them. Say something like "That's really hard." "That makes a lot of sense."
5. Take your partner's side. Be your partner's biggest advocate. Don't side with the enemy, even if you don't see eye to eye. There must be something reasonable about how your partner thinks and feels, and you can show them support. It will be the quality of your relationship with your partner, and how you made them feel cared for, and not the minutia of an argument they had with their coworker, that ultimately matters.
6. Express a "we against others" attitude. Convey that you are in this together. It would help if you were a team. The world is hard enough, so getting through the tough times together helps. Adopt the attitude of "we win together or we lose together" and "Come what may, I'm here for you."
7. Express affection. Convey warmth. Sometimes, touching their arm goes a lot further in conveying love than any words. Embrace. Smile. Say, "I love you."
8. Validate emotions. Say "That makes sense". Show them that you can understand how they might feel this way. Even if you don't agree or share their same thoughts or feelings, being able to follow their logic, and understand why they might feel the way they do will help them feel less alone in their feelings.
During particularly stressful times in our lives, your willingness to "turn towards" even our most negative emotions like anger, stress, disappointment, fear, failure, sadness, and anxieties are critical in making your partner feel loved. Your willingness to "be there for them," particularly when they're feeling negative emotions, ultimately builds their feeling of connection to you. They will feel better understood, known, and loved. Listening to understand also builds trust, intimacy, and deep respect.
Please keep an open mind and a willingness to try what research supports. Try this active listening exercise this week and see how it affects the level of emotional connection you feel with each other.
During these uncertain times, it is helpful to remember that suffering in life is inevitable, but suffering alone is unbearable. We are all interconnected and can lessen each others' burdens, especially within our closest relationship. So try opening up to your partner to feel heard and supported, and try asking how they're doing, and listening to them without an agenda. Doing so will undoubtedly help them to feel less alone when times are tough.
Stephanie Cook, LCSW, CGT, is Atlanta’s only certified Gottman Couples Therapist, and the Executive Director of Couples Counseling ATL, LLC. She regularly hosts workshops for couples, marathon multi-day intensive counseling sessions, and continuing education events for licensed therapists.
If you would like to learn more about counseling with Stephanie or any of our other full time, expert couples therapists, please call us today at 678-999-3390 and our Client Care Coordinator, Tamara Gleason, will be waiting to connect you with someone who best fits your needs. You may also email Tamara@CounselingATL with any questions.
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