Change the way you think about your ADD/ADHD Partner

Many people commonly think of ADHD as the type of person who can’t sit still. But if your ADD (attention deficit disorder) partner seems to have no energy, or seems like they're always "in lala land", attentional problems related to ADD or ADHD could also be at play here.

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder isn't the best name for the full spectrum of issues people may struggle with under this diagnosis. ADHD isn’t about not having enough attention or about never being able to give attention. It’s about having problems with regulating attention.

So if a person has ADHD, whether it’s you or your partner, you may often feel very distractible. One moment you're trying to focus on one thing, and then before you know it, your attention has shifted and you've spent an hour or two doing other things and never finishing the first thing. Sometimes you may also have a really intense focus or what we call “hyperfocus”. For example, maybe you have been able to give your complete focus to a video game, scrolling your phone, or doing a project you really enjoy for several hours, without even thinking about eating or anything else going on in your world.

Not being able to give your attention to something you wish to give your undivided attention to, can be viewed as the “deficit” of attention. Think of it as one having control or not having enough control over where one's attention is spent. If you find it very difficult to choose where you direct your attention, you may be struggling with ADD or ADHD symptoms, even if you're not meeting all criteria for a formal diagnosis. When a person with ADD or ADHD really desires or wants to pay attention to something, the struggle isn't with their desire or motivation to pay attention (do they want to do it), it's struggle is with their ability (can they do it?). They may really want to pay attention to something (like talking to their partner, or something their partner really wishes them to do like remembering important dates or helping with projects) but they are not necessarily able to do it and able to stay focused and on task, which is frustrating for everyone.

If you are in a relationship with someone with ADD or ADHD, it can be really frustrating if your partner says they'll do something, then fails to follow through; whether it's chores or childcare, bills or planning date night, if they keep forgetting or keep losing their ability to maintain attention, you as their partner may feel like you can't count on them, and this is likely to make you feel frustrated, to say the least. It's also very frustrating for the person with ADD or ADHD, who often desperately wants to maintain focus and complete tasks, but who frequently fails and struggles to meet their goals, leading to disappointment in themselves and disappointed feelings in their partner.

Instead of thinking of this as a "failure" or a "problem", it's really important to reframe the way you think about ADD and ADHD symptoms. When someone is not able to regulate where their attention is directed, they just have a different brain, and there are many ways to work around the frustrating parts related to this, and to embrace and celebrate the parts of this that make them wonderful partners.

Click on the bottom link to watch our latest video on this full topic in detail, with our Director and Gottman-Trained therapist at Couples Counseling ATL, Stephanie Cook, where she explains everything in detail

Finally, stay tuned these next couple of weeks to learn more about different upcoming topics!