Conversations That Matter the Most in Your Relationship

Conversations That Matter the Most in Your Relationship
​

Hello from Couples Counseling ATL!

I was recently finishing my work with a couple during a "marriage intensive" (marathon-style, multi-day, 6 hours-per-day couples therapy session) when one of them said in an exacerbated way, "Why the hell didn't we learn how to talk like this when we first got married? It would have saved us a lot of grief and money, too. No offense, Stephanie". No offense taken! I really felt for them. They were right on all accounts. No one wants to spend lots of time and money (yes, couples counseling with me is expensive) on repairing your relationship in couples therapy when much of what they learned with me could have been learned years prior, when they were first starting out. It certainly would have helped them to have prevented a lot of the problems they are facing today. 

So there the three of us were, everyone tired of nearly 12 hours of therapy over two days, but I felt so proud of this wonderful couple. They made a lot of progress towards their goal of reconnecting after some very difficult (but necessary) conversations were finally made (or at least started). They began to talk in a different way with my guidance, and they were beginning to feel a lot of relief and hope. 

The main reason they felt so much better was likely that they were finally able to learn how to talk openly and honestly about difficult, sensitive topics where they disagreed, or where one or both of them had difficult histories and sensitivities on the topics. They were relieved to learn that around 69% of couples issues are unresolvable and perpetual in nature, and that they don't need to be on the same page about most things. I also had to lovingly help them to stop a few sabotaging bad habits like criticism and defensiveness, usually with me constantly interrupting them "sorry to interrupt again, but that's coming out a little critical...let's complain without blame and say that a little softer, shall we?" They were growing frustrated with me, but also knew that I was right. "Okay (teeth gritting) Stephanie, let me say that differently..." It may sound simple, but learning how to first and foremost listen, and how talk in a respectful, open way about anything and everything with your partner is an essential skill that not all of us have been taught (I certainly wasn't!).

I used a few helpful Gottman Couples therapy techniques, such as having them wear pulse oximeters to measure their heart rates, and video-recording them and then having them watch themselves using video playback. like using video recording. There's nothing like cringing and watching yourself on camera to see what your therapist is trying to get you to change!

This couple quickly learned that despite all their good intentions and definitely plenty of love, all their past avoidance of sensitive topics had led to hurt and miscommunications. On these avoided topics, they both had many (wrong) assumptions like "we will both want to be close to our extended families" or "sexual desire will never be a problem". Never having talked about some important topics didn't make them less important, they just later surfaced at different phases of life when they suddenly became more aware of their many expectations, even if they'd never been discussed or voiced. Unlike their avoidance patterns, their many past earnest but misguided attempts to talk about sensitive subjects had only led to escalating quarrels that either went nowhere or did more damage; but they were able to learn a different way of communicating and "being there" for one another. 

Without a solid foundation when they first got together, they'd spent years building resentments and hurt that we now had to repair. But when a couple loves one another, there's always hope. If you don't have a very open and honest communication in your relationship, it's never too late to start.

Sometimes, just like with like the couple I saw, reconnecting requires nerve-wrecking, vomit-inducing, "I'd rather talk about anything else right now" conversations that are long overdue. It's time to lean into the awkward, ask for help, and learn how to talk about it in a new way. Other times, reconnecting simply a matter of putting in daily and weekly effort to build a strong relationship, and repairing minor disconnects as soon as they arise. 

With that said, if you are engaged or newlywed, there are some conversations that I recommend that you have in order to help you prepare for the difficulties ahead. Or, if you've been together for a while, talking with your partner about some of these important topics you can help you re-connect and fall in love with them over and again. To learn more, I suggest reading "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John Gottman and "We Do" by Dr. Stan Tatkin. 

​So where should you begin? Which conversations should you have with your partner to strengthen your relationship? No matter what phase of life you are going through, having the following seven conversations will help you create a solid, shared goal of long-term connection. In addition, open communication and sharing of your deepest feelings and thoughts on every topic will help you create and maintain long-term passion and intimacy.

Family

The decision to have children is important and for many very exciting! However, around two-thirds of couples experience a significant drop in relationship satisfaction after a baby is born, and this can extend with the addition of more. Talking about expectations for timing, shared responsibilities, and parenting styles ahead of time can greatly increase your potential to minimize conflict and maximize fulfillment during this special time. Many couples decide not to have children at all; an honest and direct conversation about this before marriage can open up the rest of your lives together to focus on other, equally important and exciting shared goals.

Trust and Commitment

Talking about goals before marriage helps build a map of all the ways you can look forward to supporting one another as you journey through life together. You can do that by praising your life mate on little things. Having expectations of affection, intimacy, high value, respect, time together, etc. are common. However, some things may not happen exactly the way you expected. At that time, try to avoid complaining about minor issues and stay committed by accepting your partner as she or he is. Commitment is not just about fidelity, but also about committing to your partner’s life goals, shared and individual. Trust is built when we show up for our partner over and over again in meaningful ways during big things and small.

Commit to Being There for One Another in All the Small and Big Ways. Watch "The Magic 6 Hours For a Happy Relationship":

Growth and Spirituality

Since change is the only constant in a relationship, you must accommodate the growth of your partner. Keep in mind that relationships are more than two individuals living life together. These connections can translate the stories of transformation.

Work and Money

Discover what money means to your partner and yourself. Once you have determined that, you will be able to resolve the conflicts that you two may have around money. Note that money issues are not always the amount you get in a home. Rather it is more about what money means to you.

Sex and Intimacy

Intimacy and romance keep a relationship passionate and happy. Having an ongoing and always growing conversation about these things will help you keep the relationship strong. While talking about it may seem difficult for you in the beginning, it becomes easier and more comfortable when you do it more.

Fun and Adventure

Adventure and play are among the most important components of a successful relationship. It is fine if you and your partner have different perspectives regarding fun and adventure. You must respect your partner’s unique sense of adventure.

Conflict

Although conflict happens in every relationship, it may become worse over time. Make sure to listen to your partner’s point of view; it will help you know your partner better. Furthermore, it allows you to develop deeper intimacy by discussing the differences and working through them. Learning how to navigate conflict in premarital counseling might be the greatest gift you can give one another before beginning the marriage.