Deal Breakers in Relationships
Have you ever taken the time to identify your deal breakers in a relationship? Those non-negotiable factors that are essential for your long-term happiness. What do you absolutely need in a relationship? What can you not tolerate or face with a partner? It's critical to understand what you need to thrive in a relationship and ensure your own well-being (and the well being of your partner).
Years ago, before I became a couples therapist, I loved to sit on the porch with my father's mother, my "Granny". Well into her 90s, she still reminisced about her 50-year relationship with my grandfather, expressing her deep love and admiration for him. I loved hearing about her stories of their great love, but as I got older and began dating, I became more curious about the more difficult parts of their relationship. They were SO different than one another. I wondered how she had been willing to stay through so many difficult problems—things that I, personally, would have considered "deal breakers" for most people. I wanted to know why she believed her relationship was a "good one" despite so many problems and differences.
When I asked about my grandpa's unstable employment history (understatement), she simply brushed it off, saying, "Hush, Stephanie...that didn't matter to me." I raised my eyebrows, skeptically. "Really, it didn't matter to me, I was a nurse and he always got another job." And so I learned that job stability wasn't a dealbreaker for her. Similarly, I asked about his alcohol consumption, which starkly contrasted with her devout Southern Baptist beliefs and her own personal choice to abstain from drinking. Once again, she assured me, "That didn't matter to me either. I didn't like it, but it wasn't worth leaving over."
I believed her, as it truly seemed like those things didn't seem to matter to her, despite their differences. Still in disbelief, I asked her what truly mattered to her in their relationship. Her response was heartfelt: "Simple. He loved me. He made me feel loved every day." The sheer emotion in her voice made it clear that feeling loved was of utmost importance to her. She also loved that my grandfather never crossed certain boundaries that others had in terms of fidelity and domestic violence. In contrast, she shared how she'd been engaged to a young man from her neighborhood for years, while he was a pilot in WWII and she kept delaying their wedding because something didn't feel right. Later, she realized it was that he didn't make her feel loved, and he was "bossy", which was a non-negotiable for her.
Granny taught me a valuable lesson about deal breakers. As a couples therapist, I now witness deal breakers manifesting in various forms within relationships. Each relationship is unique, with individuals having different core needs and boundaries. There is no right or wrong when it comes to deal breakers and what is right for your relationship. What truly matters is that you and your partner are both aware of your own deal breakers and what each of you requires to feel happy and comfortable in a relationship.
If you are uncertain about your deal breakers, individual therapy can provide a supportive space to explore and identify them. Alternatively, if you know your deal breakers but struggle to communicate them with your partner, individual or couples therapy can be immensely helpful in facilitating those discussions.
In summary, it is crucial to be aware of your deal breakers. Understand what you need in a relationship before you commit to one. It's essential to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page with core needs in order for it to be sustainable long-term. You will both need to be aligned (or at least willing to agree to disagree) on core values. Some dealbreaker topics are related to parenting, religion, politics, financial arrangements, monogamy (or non-monogamy)—there are countless ways to live your life. The key is to know what is essential for you to be happy in life.
If you find yourself unsure of your deal breakers, particularly if you are dating, in the early stages of a relationship, or contemplating moving in or getting married, it's time to explore and define them. Remember, therapy can be an invaluable resource in this journey of self-discovery.
Click on the bottom link to watch our latest video on this topic, with our Director and Gottman-Trained therapist at Couples Counseling ATL, Stephanie Cook, where she explains the modern problem of burned-out, married parents in further detail! Finally, stay tuned these next couple of weeks to learn more about different upcoming topics!
