What exactly is not working when a relationship is struggling? [Part 2]

Last week we began introducing the 8 predictors of divorce or continued couple misery; today is part 2! So what behaviors are characteristic of relationships that are really struggling and headed towards breakup or misery? Learn what the signs are so that you can learn how to make some necessary changes. These are the last four predictors:

#5 Negative sentiment override

When a couple is really struggling, they're often in what Gottman research calls "negative sentiment override", when everything you believe about your relationship is filtered through a negative lens. Basically, the way you view your relationship is much more critical and negative than how an outsider would likely view your interactions with your partner. For example, even if your partner says something kind to you, like doing the dishes when it was your turn, you're likely to view it as manipulative ("what does he want?" or without any positive feelings (thinking "about damn time!"). Someone outside of your relationship would likely think, "aww that's nice of them!". Hence negative sentiments or feelings override a pretty positive gesture or interaction. In negative sentiment override, your negative perception is the underlying feeling and thought that is part of all your interactions. In contrast, when your relationship is in positive sentiment override, negative messages are not seen as particularly negative, or at least they are not taken personally.

6. Maintaining vigilance and physiological arousal.

Physiological arousal often accompanies feelings of being overwhelmed by the way one’s partner raises issues, or simply being in a tense moment or conflict, period. Some people haven't been taught how to have calm conflict, and unfortunately, their body tags all conflict as "dangerous". But physiological arousal can be triggered in other ways, too. Being in this fight or flight state (typically 100 heart beats per minute or greater) leads people to want to flee the situation or become aggressive. Men are more likely than women to get this distressed more quickly, and to keep rehearsing the types of critical thoughts that prolong heightened physiological arousal and vigilance for their partner to criticize them (even when that's not the case).

7. Chronic diffused physiological arousal, or DPA

General activation of your body during conflict activates your fight or flight (DPA, or diffuse physiological alarm) system. Your body rushes cortisol stress hormone, adrenaline, and all kinds of other important signals that tell your mind and body to "get away!" or "fight!" that we as humans have evolved to act during threatening moments. It's helpful when you're running away from a bear, but not when you're trying to have a calm disagreement with your partner. When the physiological arousal accompanies relationship conflict, it may lead to :

• Less ability to take in information, less ability to listen, worse vision, and problems with shifting attention away from a defensive posture.

• More defensiveness, or what is often called "summarizing yourself syndrome"

• Less ability to be creative and problem solving

• Less ability to listen and empathize

8. The failure of men to accept influence from their women.

This can happen with women, but is primarily a male problem with emotional disengagement in heterosexual relationships. Left unchecked, this eventually becomes mutual emotional disengagement and number two: male escalation. This looks like belligerence, contempt, defensiveness, and response to their female partner's negative emotions (like sadness, anger, disappointment, complaints, etc.).

Click on the bottom link to watch our latest video on this full topic in detail, with our Director and Gottman-Trained therapist at Couples Counseling ATL, Stephanie Cook, where she explains everything in further detail!

Finally, stay tuned these next couple of weeks to learn more about different upcoming topics!