When You Express Your Feelings DifferentlyThan Your Partner
Do you and your partner differ in the way that you express your emotions? Does the way that they talk about feelings bother you? Perhaps their anger comes out too loudly, or their openness about sadness makes you uncomfortable. These differences, far from unusual, often emerge from the distinct emotional cultures we inherited from our families, from the way they raised us, to the biological. Because each of you come from different families, every relationship is a “cross cultural experience”, which makes them rich and beautiful but also potentially difficult when differences bring up judgments about one another.
Emotional culture is the unique blend of beliefs and practices that shape our emotional expressions. The key lies in comprehending these differences and addressing them with compassion, and no judgment, thus avoiding unnecessary conflicts.
Acknowledging these differences is crucial for a healthy relationship. Couples must collaboratively craft their unique emotional culture, understanding each other's backgrounds and deciding together how to handle various emotions, blending their different histories. It’s about co-creating a relationship where both partners can express themselves without up past wounds.
Know that you can bridge the gap through dialogue: effective communication serves as the bridge between you when differences are challenging. Having open conversations, with honesty, and vulnerability, and sharing your family history can offer valuable insights. For instance, saying, “Sometimes when you're angry and your voice is louder, I feel like a little kid again. It reminds me of my dad's explosions when I was a kid and would get scared of him when he'd yell and criticize me. You're not cruel or mean like he was, but my body just freezes up like it's the same." Opening up your enduring vulnerabilities like this invites your partner into your emotional world, to help them put them in your shoes.
Similarly, comprehending your partner’s emotional triggers, like acknowledging, “When you express sadness so freely, suddenly I'm reminded of my mother’s depression, even though I know you're not depressed, it just brings me back". Opening up about why you're sensitive to someone's sadness only deepens your empathy for your partner, and them for you.
Examples as Compass Points: Consider this: “I understand your anger; it’s valid. Of course you get angry about that, and I want to be able to hear your anger and be a responsive, loving partner. Yet, when it becomes too loud for me (knowing that it may not be "too loud" for a different partner), it triggers memories of my past. I'm just sensitive to loud expressions of anger. Can we find a calmer way to communicate our frustrations so I can be there for you and hear you, but I don't get triggered by my past?”
Inviting Empathy: Crucially, invite your partner into your emotional world. Simultaneously, endeavor to step into theirs. This mutual understanding forms the bedrock of profound emotional intimacy and conflict resolution rooted in empathy and respect. If you want help working through this with your partner, or any other issue, please consider scheduling a free consultation with any of our therapists!
Click on the bottom link to watch our latest video on this topic, with our Director and Gottman-Trained therapist at Couples Counseling ATL, Stephanie Cook, where she explains in further detail! Finally, stay tuned these next couple of weeks to learn more about different upcoming topics!
