Why "No" Always Means "No," Even in Relationships
I’d like to discuss a very sensitive but important topic: sex and why "no" always means "no," even in relationships.
Imagine this: you have a nice dinner for two, candles are flickering, and romantic music is playing. You lean in for a kiss, a loving gesture, only to hear a quiet, "Not tonight." You might feel disappointed, but you respect your partner’s wishes. Seems simple, right? Unfortunately, in many relationships, the concept of "no" becomes confusing and tangled.
Understanding Sexual Entitlement
At Couples Counseling ATL, we see firsthand the harmful effects of sexual entitlement, the belief that sex is owed in a relationship. Many people think that pressure and coercion for sex are normal and healthy, but they are not. Sexual entitlement can lead to abuse.
A 2021 study by the National Sexual Violence Resource Center found that:
43.3% of women
23.3% of men
have experienced unwanted sexual contact from a partner. This includes pressure, guilt-tripping, shaming, and even physical coercion. Sexual assault and rape can happen in relationships, and it's a violation of trust and consent, no matter how long you’ve been together.
Breaking the Cycle of Sexual Entitlement
When someone experiences sexual pressure or coercion, it can trigger many emotions. Responding with anger or blame only makes things worse. Communication is key to healing and rebuilding trust.
Steps to a Healthier Relationship
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Suppressing emotions keeps you stuck. Whether you are wanting more or less sex, or frustrated with your partner’s way of initiating or refusing sex, you may feel a host of emotions. Find healthy outlets like journaling or therapy.
Set Boundaries: Communicate your needs clearly. You can say, “I need to feel safe and respected in our intimate life.” This is powerful but not abusive.
Seek Professional Help: A couples therapist can help you navigate communication and rebuild trust in a safe, supportive space.
The Benefits of Accepting “No”
When you initiate sex and graciously accept their “no”, without anger, guilt or coercion, your sexual relationship is much more likely to thrive. Just because your partner isn’t in the mood for sex doesn’t mean they’re not in the mood for other ways to connect. You could say something in response such as “Okay, is there anything you’d like to do together instead? Watch tv together? Massage? Cuddle?”
