BIDS FOR CONNECTION
Today we are going to be talking about something that we’ve seen with many of our couples, the struggle for bids for connection. Turning towards your partner's bids for connection is one of the 7 principles for making a marriage work. A bid for a connection is any attempt to get attention, affection, empathy, or positive connection from your partner. When John Gottman was doing his research he conducted a study of older couples and newlyweds and checked on them six years later. He looked at how often they turned towards each other in these small moments. The couples who responded positively towards bids for attention and connection were more likely to be very happily married six years later.
He found that the couples who were doing very well were turning towards one another's bids 86% of the time. Meanwhile, the couples that ended up divorcing or not doing well only turned towards one another's bids 33% of the time. What this tells us is that one of the best things that we can do for our relationships is to turn towards our partner's bids. Be on the lookout for the different ways your partner tries to get information, affection, and connection with you, and respond as positively as you can.
He found that there are 3 major ways that we respond to our partner's bids:
- Responding positively in whatever way you can. (Verbally or nonverbally; a smile, a wink, a nod).
- Turning away which equates to ignoring. (Being on your phone, reading, not really listening while your partner is talking to you)
- The worst thing you can do is turn against. This is when you respond very negatively, maybe even attack your partner. (It communicates to your partner “I don’t want to talk to you, I am not interested.”)
Click on the link (bottom) to watch our latest video on this full topic in detail, with our Gottman-Trained therapist at Couples Counseling ATL, Matthew Richardson, and Mandy Losito, where they explain everything in detail.
Finally, stay tuned these next couple of weeks to learn more about different upcoming topics!
