Bids For Connection Part 2
Today we are following up on one of our recent Newsletters and Videos about "Turning Towards Bids of Connection", one of Gottman’s 7 principles for making a relationship work.
Bids for connection include reaching out, and attempting to get some sort of positive connection with your partner through emotional support, empathy, encouragement, etc. You might say, “how do I look? (wishing to be seen/admired)”, “look what I did!" (seeking validation). Bids are moments when you give your partner the opportunity to respond to you in a reciprocal way to connect, and you’re looking for some kind of positive attention that brings you closer together.
The couples that we see in our therapy offices often struggle with 1) making bids, 2) recognizing bids, and/or 3) turning towards bids. We want to do a beginner’s level, an advanced level, and a masters level lessons for you in which we demonstrate ways of turning towards bids for connection. Here are some examples of what that looks like.
Beginner Level
A husband is sitting on a couch, watching a football game. His wife is sitting on the couch, not looking at the tv, maybe just scrolling through her phone, when she holds up her phone to her husband and says “OMG, can you believe this! Look at what this guy did to train a squirrel! He's on water skis!" (laughing, looking at husband, then at her phone)
Turning Away:
He just stays silent because he’s zoned in on the game. Doesn’t look at her or acknowledge what she has said. To her, it may feel as though his ignoring her, that she doesn't matter, or that she is invisible to him.
Turning Against:
“That is so stupid. Can’t you see I’m watching the game! I don’t care what a squirrel does.”
Even if this example seems trivial, ridiculous, or nonconsequential, it matters to the relationship. All these small moments in which one partner makes a bid, is like spare change going into the "emotional bank account" that builds the sense of connection and bond between the couple. If a bid is turned away from or turned against, the couple's bank account loses some points, and they begin to lose some connection as a couple. Each partner may even stop bidding, signaling the future end of the relationship if they don't turn things around.
How the husband could have turned towards his wife in that example:
(small turning towards) By just looking at her and saying, "sorry, can you say that again" (but showing some interest, sincerely wanting to hear what she said).
(medium turning towards) “Sorry honey, I’m in the middle of the game, but I promise I'll take a look at that squirrel during the commercial break”
(large turning towards) “What!! A squirrel! What will they think of next?! What do you say we try to catch a squirrel for ourselves, and train him to take out the trash? What kind of squirrel would you like, honey?" (smiling, maybe pulling her towards him and embracing her; even if he's being sarcastic, or silly, he's showing her attention, interest, and sharing a laugh with her).
The more you turn away from or turn against your partner's bids for connection, the less likely they are to ever make future bids for connection. Of course, no one is perfect, and we are all human. No one responds 100% of the time. But when bids stop happening, or you start turning away from more of their bids, this negative pattern can grow over time over and the disconnect happens insidiously, maybe without you even noticing. In our example couple, if the husband continues to turn away or against the wife's bids, she is not going to want to share what she finds hilarious next time she's scrolling through her phone, because she expects being to be ignored or disrespected. Instead, she may keep it to herself entirely, or begin sharing with others in her life. Likely she will resent her husband for not caring about her enough, and the relationship is heading to an end, or towards "parallel, lonely and separate lives" (we can discuss this sort of tragic ending in another newsletter!).
Click on the link (bottom) to watch our latest video to learn about the advanced and masters level for turning towards bids for connection, with our Gottman-Trained therapists at Couples Counseling ATL, Matthew Richardson and Mandy Losito, where they explain everything in detail.
Finally, stay tuned these next couple of weeks to learn more about different upcoming topics!
