How often should we be having sex?
“Is this normal?” As a couples and sex therapist, this question one of the most common questions asked in my office. It's as if there's a secret scoreboard, tallying up each intimate encounter and comparing it to some elusive "normal." But the truth is, this relentless comparison is a thief, robbing couples of the joy and connection that sex can bring.
We've all been conditioned by societal norms, media portrayals, and even whispered conversations to believe that there's a "right" way to have sex, a certain frequency to aim for, and specific body types that are labeled desirable. This creates a breeding ground for insecurity, anxiety, and a disconnect from our own authentic desires.
One couple, we will call them Emily and David, struggled with this very issue. Emily felt pressured to match the sexual frequency she saw depicted in movies and TV shows, while David worried that his body no longer lived up to the idealized images he'd internalized from pornography, among other influences. Their focus on these external standards left them feeling inadequate and disconnected from each other.
Through therapy, they learned to discard the concept of "normal" and embrace their own unique desires and preferences. They discovered that intimacy isn't about ticking boxes or meeting arbitrary quotas; it's about connecting with each other in ways that feel pleasurable and meaningful for both of them.
Letting Go of the Numbers Game
First of all, frequency of sex is a poor indicator of sexual health. Research shows that couples who have sex once a week report similar levels of happiness as those who have sex more frequently. And this may shock some, but there are many couples have sex only once per month or once per year, and are totally happy, too! What matters most is the quality of the experience and the emotional connection it fosters.
I've worked with couples of all types who are perfectly content with infrequent intimacy and others who crave daily connection. There's no one-size-fits-all answer. The key is to prioritize open communication, explore your desires without judgment, and create a sexual landscape that nurtures both partners’ desires.
The Power of Mindfulness
If you’d like to learn more about how to think about sex in a healthier way that will help you enjoy it more, consider reading a book. Consider “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski, or "Better Sex Through Mindfulness" by Lori Brotto. Both offer valuable insights into how you can enhance sexual pleasure and intimacy. Through education, present-moment awareness and letting go of expectations, couples can tap into a deeper level of connection and satisfaction.
