My Partner is a Narcissist: Decoding the Label and Finding Hope in Couples Therapy
If I had a nickel for every time someone entered my office declaring, “my partner is a narcissist,” I'd be riiiiiiich! Swimming in a pool of coins! Seriously. Lately in therapy offices, we hear the word “narcissism” thrown around a lot!
Understandably, people seek validation, hoping a quick diagnosis will make sense of problematic behaviors they wish their partner would change. It’s also easier to point a finger at someone else, absolve themself of responsibility, and feel less guilty about leaving a relationship that you can label “doomed anyway”. But I strongly believe that the word "narcissist" is used too casually today!
It’s true that Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a complex clinical diagnosis. While some individuals do meet the criteria, many simply exhibit narcissistic traits without having a full-blown disorder and can certainly change for the better.
So before you listen to the advice, “He/She sounds like a narcissist! Narcissists never change! You’re better off leaving them!” Maybe first seek an expert couples therapist’s advice. It’s easy for an individual therapist who doesn’t know your partner to feel for you, listen to your complaints, and root for you as the blameless hero in your story. That’s why so often seeking only individual therapy for relationship issues can lead to higher incidence of breaking up, separating or divorcing.
Couples Therapy: Creating Space for Change
When narcissistic traits are present, as long as both people have even a tiny bit of willingness to look in the mirror to self reflect, Couples Therapy can be transformative. If both people are open to working on the relationship, even with the typical denial or defenses of someone with narcissistic traits, an expert couples therapist can disarm and deliver difficult truths, to invite even the most stubborn person to evolve to their higher “2.0 self”.
Using the Gottman Method and aspects of Relational Life Therapy, I approach narcissistic dynamics directly yet compassionately. Therapy with these techniques provides powerful tools for navigating these often difficult behaviors, with goals of fostering empathy, improving communication, and promoting understanding of what is needed for a healthier and happier relationship.
As a Gottman Therapist, I don’t enable abusive behaviors or tiptoe around sensitive issues. If a “ bad behavior” such as verbal abuse, has happened, I assess whether someone is a characterological “abuser”, I.e. without remorse, without desire to change, blaming their partner, I don’t mince words and don’t continue couples therapy because it could become dangerous and contraindicated.
If some classic “bad” narcissistic behaviors are anti-relational but can be changed, I do a lot of motivational interviewing, assessing a persons’s ability and desire to change before deciding if couples therapy can help. If, with education and hard lines, they show a sincere desire to change, I encourage clients to take responsibility, learn more empathy and emotional regulation skills, focus on their “side of the street”, with a focus on self-improvement and commitment to the relationship. Often I will require both to be in individual therapy and/or skills training as a pre-requisite for couples therapy, and a commitment to non-aggression.
The hardest pill to swallow for most people higher on the narcissism spectrum is humility. If someone truly wants their relationship to work, they must be willing to be flexible and humble enough to accept feedback. This includes being open to change, letting go of power struggles, and resisting the urge to react with anger or dismissiveness. There is often two steps forward and one step back, but the trajectory should be positive and self evident over time. The proof is in the pudding when couples report back marked changes in reducing negative interactions and increased positive ones.
Unfortunately for some hopeful and committed partners trying to change their “narcissistic” partner, this isn’t always the case. Therapy will only succeed if both people are willing to learn, accept feedback, and address their side of the relationship. Sometimes a person isn’t ready for change, even though they say they are initially.
When Couples Therapy Won’t Work
Of course, couples therapy has its limitations. Narcissism on the extreme end of the spectrum, where one partner refuses to accept feedback or denies any personal responsibility, often prevents therapy from succeeding. Therapy isn’t a cure-all, especially if one person insists they’re perfect and blames the other for all problems. Therapy requires a certain level of introspection, empathy, a willingness to accept influence, and a commitment to change.
If one partner consistently refuses to work on their own issues or to view all the relationship problems as a shared responsibility, the therapeutic process is unlikely to have results. Some relationship problems truly are the result of one person’s side of the street! However, if there is a willingness—even a small one—therapy can help open doors to change. Narcissistic behaviors and tendencies can be managed if there is even a slight commitment to growth.
A Story of Transformation: Lisa and Mark
Take, for instance, a couple I’ll call Lisa and Mark. In our early sessions, Lisa felt utterly devalued and controlled by Mark’s behavior. Mark, meanwhile, was frequently dismissive of her concerns, focusing solely on his needs. Therapy required a great deal of patience, consistency, and a delicate balance of firmness and compassion. Over time, Mark began to understand the detrimental impact of his behavior on Lisa and on their relationship as a whole.
Through therapy, Mark realized that if he continued down this path, he would likely end up alone, still blaming Lisa, and convinced he was without fault. I told him that if he went into another relationship, he would sabotage that one and the same way. I told him that if he went into another relationship, he would sabotage that one in the same way. He often didn’t like my feedback And when he would get defensive, he would have and when he would get defensive, he would often try to find a way to put me down, whether it was my technique, my outfit, or anything to distract from the spotlight being on him.
But I knew that he was open to change despite his harsh veneer. After a few sessions, I was shocked when he said “good point” to some of my feedback. He learned to recognize his insecurities, anger, and fears, which previously masked themselves as defensiveness and control. he was able to recognize how so much of his behavior had been scripted early in his childhood after the way he had been treated by his own critical parents. This breakthrough allowed him to see the pattern of his actions, realize how these behaviors sabotaged any relationship, and take meaningful steps to change.
Lisa also worked on her side of the relationship. She found her voice, learning to assert her needs and boundaries. By no longer simply going along with Mark’s expectations, she established a more equal dynamic, fostering a true partnership. She drew a hard line in the sand to never put up with any emotional or verbal abuse again. Mark knew that if she crossed that line, Lisa would leave. Together, they built a stable, balanced relationship where each person respected the other’s needs.
Finding Hope
If you're in a relationship where narcissistic traits are present, know that couples therapy can help if both partners are willing to work. This isn’t about quick fixes or simple validation; it's about building a relationship based on empathy, respect, and shared responsibility. Therapy can equip you with tools to navigate challenges and create a more loving connection, as long as each partner is ready to look within and strive for change.
For those who face extreme narcissistic behaviors that resist influence, individual therapy may be a better option. But with the right therapist—someone direct, caring, and equipped with proven methods—couples therapy can lead to lasting and meaningful transformation for anyone willing to change.
Finally, it may be difficult to discern whether or not your partner is simply somewhere on the narcissist spectrum, and perhaps able to change, or if they are truly abusive. You don’t need to decide this alone. A skilled therapist can help you understand what is changeable (problematic but not abusive behaviors) and what is not going to change (an abuser). The Gottman method of Couples Therapy that we use at Couples Counseling ATl involves very lengthy assessment process to help determine which category your relationship falls.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, or wondering if you are, I feel for you, and you deserve support. Check out www.PADV.org to learn more about intimidate partner abuse, and how to get help if you are in danger.
