How Trust Falls Apart
Today, let’s talk about how trust falls apart in a relationship, we see it all too often when couples come to our offices. Whether it’s in really big ways huge betrayal ( a more obvious one) and also in smaller ways, (Things that may be important to one person, may not be important to the other).
How does a trust fall apart for couples and how do we help couples to rebuild trust once it’s been lost?
This is a really common thing that I see in couples. They come in, they say “I love my partner, but I don’t trust them”. I like to think of it as trusting 2 sides. BIG T trust and little T trust. A big T trust is broken when there has been a significant affair, emotionally, sexually, and mentally. if there has been any kind of addiction, alcohol, substance abuse, gambling, prostitution, keeping secrets from one another, even if there’s any kind of abuse like beating each other up, verbally, mentally, psychologically. Those are the Big T trust and a lot of people come in, thinking that that’s a little more obvious that that big T happens, but there’s also a little T trust and that little T trust is like an emotional roller coaster. An example of this would be “ Ugh, my partner forgot the milk again today…. even though I asked him to bring it 5 days in a row!”
You keep asking for something “seemingly small” but they are not showing up, they’re not responding, not meeting your need or request. You start to feel ignored, frustrated, probably resentful, hurt… lots of feelings. Doubts start popping up in your mind. “can I really rely on this person? Can I really trust them?”. It’s those little moments that people don’t recognize that are really eroding that trust. And if you remember those, they’re called bids for connection. those little sliding door moments that a lot of couples don’t see the “red flags” that are popping up. The importance of not meeting that need. You might hear a more defensive response “God, it’s just milk! I forgot, lay off”. It is important, it starts to erode trust or build trust if you are showing u or not in those smaller ways.
How else do you often see trust waning even if it’s not in the most obvious ways?
That’s one of the biggest things I see with couples. I like to assess couples and understand their history a little bit more, kind of when things started to decrease or turn away from one another. Usually, several years ago or in the very beginning, there was a moment when your partner didn’t feel heard. Or those little moments, Big T trust or little T trust. That’s when it’s really important to go back and do some repair work. To really start building that trust. Even if it’s not anything big, recognizing “what keeps eroding that trust?” “What are we sabotaging?” “what do we keep on doing that’s hurting the trust”. So some recognition and education, because a lot of couples haven’t really been taught, they don’t know what builds that trust, what doesn’t. Most people have only been taught that the Big Trust is what erodes the trust, but in reality, what the research shows is so important to educate and recognize. “Yes I feel this stuff has been going on for years but we can’t pinpoint why I don’t trust my partner, why are we not growing or not feeling safe with one another?” “why the resentment? why does this relationship not feel right anymore?”
As Gottman therapists, we do a lot of Assessments at the beginning, go through a couple’s entire history to start to pinpoint maybe some of the breakdowns.
How do we help couples when we see that trust has slowly eroded over time, but they don’t understand that this is related to trust?
How do we help couples to see how it has slowly eroded or how maybe there were significant moments of betrayal or times where the relationship took a turn?”
One of the biggest things I like to do in my sessions is to really slow it down and to really help couples to have a safe place, where they don’t feel rushed. They can zoom out and ask themselves “when did this really start?” Because a lot of people, get stuck in the healing now or the emotions or not really knowing why they are feeling. So just creating that safe place or asking questions; by helping couples gain a different perspective and zooming out “ when was the last time I felt safe? When was the last time I felt that I could trust my partner”. That is something I’m good at, recognizing those patterns, at the same time what is more important is educating couples, to understand what builds that trust and what doesn’t. Asking great questions and helping them understand A. They are not going crazy, this is very normal! But also giving them. different perspective. It’s very empowering for a lot of our couples to finally understand what has happened! To way to have a way of conceptualizing and understanding how their relationship has gotten to this bad place.
Is there a difference in the way you help couples repair? When trust is eroding in a slow way Vs a trust with a capital T? how do you handle those different breaches of trust?
There are similarities and there are differences. When a Big T trust is broken there are 3 steps that I love to talk about.
1. Atone
2. attune
3. attach
this is the area where couples really need to show that empathy. The betrayer has to step into the shoes of the person that was hurt and really understand where they are coming from, to find that healing in those 3 steps. I view it as 911, the first step when the planes hit the towers, there was a lot of chaos, hurt, you didn’t know who were the survivors and so many questions. You have to peel back the layers to understand and rebuild the relationship, to have the person that was hurt empathized and really understood. I usually go with that route, with the bigger T trust moment, and then the little t trust is to really step back and have the partner understand, feel heard, and empathize at the same time is going back to doing some repair work. “When was the first time that you felt this way?” “What was going on?” and have them share their story, to feel heard and understood.
With the Gottman atone, attune, attach, affair recovery, betrayal, and trust recovery methods, it’s much more sequential with big betrayal. It can be a shorter process with educating and then healing some of the smaller erosions of trust, but it’s just as important. If couples aren’t able to see how important it is, it really doesn’t go well for their relationship if they are not able or willing to recognize the importance of trust. If they are not willing to be transparent or listen to their partner talk about their hurt, that’s always also a bad sign! The couples that we have seen with the most success in terms of rebuilding trust have been open-minded and willing to learn. They are humble, they are able to see that “Maybe I have really mishandled this, maybe I have done damage”. If you did the damage and even if it wasn’t intentional, there is still damage and we still have to repair it. It is really important for people to hear how trust is built and how it goes in big and small ways.
We help couples to slow it down, learn more about how to show up and be there for their partner and work on the repair. This is so common in all relationships! if you are struggling with trust, you are not alone! Developmentally, I think all relationships have to go through some rptures of trust and sometimes where “you weren’t there for me, or maybe I wasn’t there for you”. We have to have some conversations about that “why is this important to me or important to you”. And to really apologize and learn how to be a better or different partner in some ways, is critical. Otherwise, a lot of relationships this is the death of a lot of relationships if they are not willing to go through that necessary repair. You can live a really lonely and sad life with someone not trusting them, but loving them.
We certainly see couples that are stable and committed but there is a lot of resentment, and bitterness, they view the relationship from a negative perspective; rather than giving each other the benefit of the doubt or that “positive perspective” (which is earned with trust!). If the trust has been broken, the only way you are going to get to a more positive place is by doing some repair work. One of the biggest things I tell couples is to have a level of hope. Because if you’ve had a Big T trust or a little T trust broken, wherever you are at, it’s okay to get help! It’s never too late and to be able to both people take ownership, both people want to mend this, have a lot of hope, don’t be afraid to reach out!
