The Fight every couple must have

The Fight Every Couple Must Have

Potato Potato. Tomato Tomahto. The first big, authentic argument couples should have, should be about…nothing.

As an example, let’s consider the couple that fights overspending every Saturday night with the future “in-laws,”. Let’s also say this has been a point of conflict for the three years the couple has been together.

If one says, “You know after the wedding we are definitely NOT coming here every Saturday night, right?” The other might say, “Being married won’t change the fact that we’ve done this since we met…and will continue to do so.”

Who’s in the right? Who should “win”?

If you answered “neither,” (or “nyther”) you’d be right.

This is because the fight is about control, and that is a fight, ultimately about nothing. It is a fight about something that will remain a point of conflict throughout the relationship and will come up in many more areas throughout the relationship. If one person insists on the “win,” the couple loses. Yes, there may be some serious vexation on the part of one or both. Both may disagree sharply that they are attempting to control the other. They might both say it is premarital stress or tension. If both fail to accept that open or covert attempts to control the other are at work in such moments, it can be devastating…as that lyric points out. They will think about calling the whole thing off!

So, it is a good idea to think of the consequences of insisting on one way or the other – the (immediate or eventual) end of things, which as the song points out would be a real heartbreak.

Let’s Call the Calling Off-Off.

So, as you begin to experience any type of premarital stress and find yourself getting snippy with one another about seemingly small issues, stop and ask yourself if the fight is about something (i.e., you really cannot afford something), or if it is about nothing (they won’t bend to your will on a particular matter and it makes you very angry). If it falls under that nothing umbrella, be aware that it is a wedge the two of you are driving between yourselves.

As Dr. Gottman says, marriage is about the combining of two entirely different people who are creating a shared experience of love and of life. This is NOT an experience or transition that is without resistance or friction. It brings up lots of fears and anxieties. Any trust issues you deal with might come to the surface, any worries about long-term love and understanding may cause a fight.

Remedies.

As we said, we use the Gottman Method for dealing with all relationship concerns, starting with new premarital or pre-commitment couples. It is founded in the research of love, and believes that human relationships that work may all be unique in some ways, but all the healthy ones follow similar patterns, and that includes all premarital human relationships. One unfortunate pattern is for couples to wait up to six years before seeking help. This is too long a delay and can make fixing the issues very difficult.

Instead, Dr. Gottman says that these concerns cannot be ignored, that each person has to use self-awareness and be willing to accept responsibility for causing struggles, and both need to do the work of remaining solidly connected even at the worst of times. Any willingness to reach across a divide, even if it is a divide that amounts to nothing, is going to strengthen all that a couple has built.

So, have that big fight about nothing, and be ready to recognize it for what it is – a common dilemma faced by many.

If you are eager to use this method to help build a life together before and after the wedding, click below for more information about our 7 week Premarital Workshop designed especially for pre-engaged and engaged couples.

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