Is Boredom Inevitable in Long Term Relationships?
Hey there! I’m Stephanie Cook, Executive Director at Couples Counseling ATL and a licensed therapist. If you’ve ever been in a long-term relationship, it may be difficult to admit, but you might have felt (gasp!) bored at some point. It’s that feeling that the excitement is fading and the passion is dwindling, and perhaps even the fear that the "spark" is gone forever. You're not alone if you've experienced these thoughts, feelings, and fears.
Well, I’m here to tell you that believing boredom is the death knell of a relationship is a myth! But don't just take my word for it. Of course there has been research on this becuase it's so common an experience. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that while passion tends to decline over time, intimacy and commitment—the cornerstones of a lasting healthy relationship—actually increase. So, while those initial butterflies might fly away, a deeper, more meaningful connection often takes their place if you what to do.
Another misconception is that boredom is an unavoidable or untreatable part of long-term relationships. This just isn’t true! Research by the Gottman Institute suggests that couples who engage in new activities regularly and keep a sense of adventure together are more likely to report higher levels of relationship satisfaction and enjoyment.
If boredom isn’t inevitable and losing passion doesn’t mean the end, what’s really going on? If you’re experiencing boredom in your relationshiop right now, it’s definitely something you can work on inside and outside of the couples therapy office. Boredom often comes from a lack of new experiences together and also emotional disconnection. It can also stem from unresolved issues that are swept under the rug. Unresolved conflict often leads to resentment and bitterness, which begets distance, which also contributes to boredom.
Lack of Novelty: Getting stuck in routines and not doing new things together can make the relationship feel stale.
Emotional Disconnection: Not having deep conversations or being curious about each other can lead to drifting apart. Remember, both of you are always changing.
Unresolved Issues: When we get comfortable in a relationship, we might stop putting in the effort to connect deeply or address those nagging problems. Having a dismissive, "whatever" attitude towards your parnter and the relationship can protect you in the short term from being hurt and vulnerable, but they lead to further distance and boredom with each other.
The good news is that boredom isn’t a death sentence for your relationship. It’s a wakeup call and a flag on the field—a signal that something needs to change. Don't ignore it! By actively cultivating novelty, emotional intimacy, and open communication, you can rekindle that spark and build a relationship that’s both passionate and fulfilling. Relationships are like living organisms: they need care and attention to thrive.
