Is Your Relationship Doomed if You Can't Solve Your Problems?
Have you ever found yourselves locked in a seemingly endless cycle of arguments with your partner? You're not alone.
I want to address a common and often frustrating issue that plagues many couples: perpetual problems.
Perpetual problems are those recurring issues that seem to have taken up permanent residence in your relationship. They resurface year after year, seemingly unsolvable. Research shows that around 69% of the problems couples discuss fall into this category. So, if you're grappling with an issue that just won't go away, rest assured, you're not alone.
In the world of couples therapy, these persistent issues have earned the name "perpetual problems." They're the topics that never seem to find resolution, no matter how much effort you put in. The other 31% of problems are typically easier to tackle, provided you have decent conflict-resolution skills.
When Perpetual Problems Become Gridlocked
Sometimes, perpetual problems become gridlocked. This means that the tension surrounding the issue becomes so intense that it starts to poison other aspects of your relationship. Conversations about the problem become unproductive, leading both partners to avoid the topic altogether.
The Gottman Institute, known for its groundbreaking work in couples therapy, aptly describes this situation as "two clenched fists pushing against each other." Each partner holds their perspective firmly, trying to convince the other that they're right. This tug-of-war leads to stalemate, with no progress made.
A Better Way:
The key to addressing perpetual problems effectively lies in understanding that both partners' beliefs, feelings, and dreams about the issue are valid. Instead of trying to prove each other wrong, we encourage active listening and empathy.
Here's a simple exercise to get you started:
Choose one perpetual gridlock problem to work on at a time. Don't overwhelm yourselves by tackling multiple issues simultaneously.
Set aside 10-20 minutes to write about your beliefs on the chosen issue separately. This allows you to clarify your thoughts and feelings.
Share what you've written with your partner. Each of you takes turns being the speaker and the listener. The goal is not to convince each other but to understand each other's perspectives.
Select one problem to focus on for the day, ensuring both partners agree. Put the other issues aside for now.
By working on these perpetual gridlock problems one at a time, you can learn new conflict resolution skills and make managing conflicts in your relationship more manageable.
Remember, differences in a relationship are normal. It's how you navigate and embrace those differences that truly matters.
Click on the bottom link to watch our latest video on this topic, with our Director and Gottman-Trained therapist at Couples Counseling ATL, Stephanie Cook, where she explains in further detail! Finally, stay tuned these next couple of weeks to learn more about different upcoming topics!
