Why does my partner not listen? A Tool for Conflict Resolution

Are you struggling with basic conflict in your relationship? You're not alone.Today, I want to introduce you to a powerful tool called the Gottman-Rapoport Exercise, a valuable resource for couples seeking to address their conflicts effectively.

The Gottman-Rapoport Exercise is a fundamental technique we incorporate into couples therapy. It combines the research from the Gottman Institute with the work of Anatol Rapoport, who studied conflict resolution in international contexts. We've found that this exercise's principles can be applied successfully to couples.

Whether your problem is solvable or perpetual, this exercise emphasizes the importance of gaining clarity about your perspective and your partner's perspective before attempting to find a solution. This means no compromises, at least not yet.

Postponing Persuasion: To effectively use this exercise, both partners must postpone persuasion. Instead, each person must summarize their partner's position on the issue before proceeding. This approach ensures that both perspectives are fully heard and understood before moving forward. Conflict resolution becomes a smoother process when built on a foundation of mutual understanding.

The Speaker and Listener Roles: In this exercise, you'll designate one partner as the speaker and the other as the listener. Take turns in these roles to ensure both of you have the opportunity to express your viewpoints fully and feel heard. The speaker's job is to share their feelings and thoughts about the issue without blaming or criticizing their partner. Focus on using "I" statements and describing your own feelings and thoughts, not those of your partner.

Validation and Understanding: The listener's role is equally important. Take notes as your partner speaks, which can help you stay present and less reactive. Avoid interrupting, offering your perspective, or commenting on their words or feelings. Instead, validate your partner's perspective by summarizing what you've heard them say, and ask for corrections if needed.

Validation doesn't imply agreement; it signifies your effort to understand your partner's viewpoint. Only when they feel fully understood should you switch roles. The speaker becomes the listener, and the process continues. This exercise helps build effective conflict resolution skills and creates an environment where both partners feel heard and respected.

In conclusion, if you're facing recurring conflicts in your relationship, remember that you're not alone, and there are tools available to help. By practicing the Gottman-Rapoport Exercise, you can foster better understanding and pave the way for more productive conflict resolution.

Click on the bottom link to watch our latest video on this topic, with our Director and Gottman-Trained therapist at Couples Counseling ATL, Stephanie Cook, where she explains in further detail! Finally, stay tuned these next couple of weeks to learn more about different upcoming topics!