It's Easy to Criticize Your Partner
It's Easy to Criticize Your Partner
Instead, Start Look For What They're Doing Right!
In today’s blog, I want to discuss the a small but powerful habit that can make a big difference. It's one of the findings by my favorite relationship researcher, Dr. John John Gottman, when he studied "master couples" who showed us exactly how to create happy long-term relationships.
Imagine one habit that could transform your marriage. Maybe like many couples I see, you're knee-deep in little kids, careers, without any family support, and every day was filled to the brim with busy-ness. After dinner, kids' bedtime routine, and cleaning up, you barely feel that you have any time to reconnect the end of the day because you are so tired. You're feeling disconnected, and frustrated at your partner. Maybe they're doing things that drive you crazy.
So go ahead and think about whatever it is that drives you nuts. Maybe they rarely clean up after themself and even though you have told them a thousand times that you can't relax at the end of the day with such a mess and LOOK YOU LEFT YOUR SHOES RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM AGAIN!!! (cue primal scream). Or maybe they forgot to check their schedule (AGAIN!), even though they promised they would, so that you could get that double date planned with that friend of yours, but of course, almost like they intentionally avoided it because you know they don't really want to go on this double date, your friend texted you and is wondering why you haven't gotten back to them and now you are even more frustrated.
So I encouraged them to start small, with some dedicated 10-15 minutes of conversation every night, and I also encouraged them to start "catching each other doing something right" no matter how quickly, to say thank you for the little things that they appreciated that the other was doing. They came back the following week in a much better mindeset, and feeling suprised at how much it had changed their feelings. They told me that they were still as busy as ever, with as many stressful responsibilities, but they didn't feel as alone or unappreciated. They felt seen, noticed, appreciated. And they were even looking at each other in a different, more grateful way.
In many ways it is a simple way to invest in the positive "emotional bank account" of good feelings in your relationship, but it's often a little trickier when you're feeling more distant or frustrated with your partner. If you have a long history of negativity and criticism, it's going to be a much bigger hill to climb to create a culture of appreciation. So think of this as more of a habit of mind that has to be built every day. Know that it is also a very unnatural habit for most of us humans who have evolved a bias towards negativity and criticism.
Master Couples Do It Every Day, and You Can, Too Small moments can utterly transform the way you feel about your partner, and the way they feel about you. It's critically important to start looking around with new eyes, to try to "catch your partner doing something right" rather than the natural tendency we all have, which is to point out where they're failing or what they're doing to not measure up to your expectations.
If you're like most people (me included), it's easy to focus on your partner’s failures. This understandable but destructive habit makes it much easier to take all of their great qualities for granted. But listen up and know that you can change it. According to the Gottman research, there are actually very happiest couples who are indeed real people who still get really annoyed and frustrated and have the full range of flaws and emotional experience (not not an odd Ned Flanders outlier). These happy couples are just as aware of all the flaws and all the things their partners do that drive them crazy— but they try to be gracious about their partner's shortcomings, in a very humble way. They treat the partner they chose with respect and gratitude despite all their flaws.
By catching them doing something right – and by saying thank you.
Where To Begin
1. Think about your partner and scan the last week for some things they did right. Examples:
-Did they take out the trash early this morning? bring you coffee? Take care of the kids? Go to work? Call when they were running late (see it as being considerate rather than focusing on the late part)? Did they offer to do something for you?
2. Whatever it was that they did “right”, notice it OUT LOUD. Take a moment to truly appreciate it. And then, say thank you asap.
Creating a culture of fondness and admiration is critical in every relationship, even with two very flawed people. We also know from the research that fondness and appreciation is the single most crucial element in creating a rewarding and long-lasting romance. So keep your eyes open. Slap your face a little if your knee-jerk reaction. for things you can appreciate about each other. We promise it won’t be that hard. You’ll even find that the tough moments that come up in your relationship will be less difficult – because you’ve built a partnership based on respect and appreciation.
So here’s my advice for you if you're feeling frustrated with your partner: look for teeny tiny ways every single day that they're getting it right. Omit the eye roll or "for once" sarchasm. Say thank you. Then keep doing it again and again!
