The Conflict Blueprint
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman’s research taught us that 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable; yes, most of your problems in your relationship WILL NEVER BE SOLVED. Wah wah. If you grew up in the 80s as I did, every fairy tale surely taught me that I shouldn't have any problems in my marriage! What a disappointment!
It's certainly hard to accept, but the truth is that there are likely a few (or many) aspects to your partner's personality that rub you the wrong way or long-standing differences (that you will always have) around spending and saving money, how much sex to have, how much "me" vs. "we" time spent together, cleanliness, being on time, religion, politics, etc.
The Gottman research findings teach us that in order to have a happy relationship long-term, you don't need to agree on very much at all, or even "resolve" most of your differences. You can be opposites on many things and never agree. Instead, to be happy together, you must learn to manage conflict and respectfully disagree while also seeking to understand those differences. You shouldn't avoid or attempt to eliminate conflict, either. Make peace with the fact that all healthy couples have conflicts, and if you do it well, and respectfully, you can actually grow closer and like each other more, even if you never resolve your differences.
Accepting that you will never completely eliminate your problems and you can still be very happy is the good news. However, discussing your problems and trying to reach some sort of compromise in a healthy, constructive way is often elusive if you've never been modeled healthy conflict (I know I wasn't!). Today, I talk with Jessica Hart, MFT, one of our most experienced couples therapists on our team, to look at an essential “conflict blueprint” to help you and your partner constructively manage conflict around unsolvable problems.
Watch our video on the Conflict Blueprint:
Yay for the "Conflict Blueprint"!
This Gottman-inspired blueprint addresses current conflicts and is based on "game theory", a mathematical model that describes how to manage conflict and improve cooperation between people. These steps require both of you to put off persuasion tactics until each of you can state your partner's position clearly and fully. It may sound simple, but it's effective if you can actually make yourself do it. It involves each speaker and listener taking turns, and very closely listening to your partner, taking notes, and summarizing to the best of your ability EVERYTHING that they just said, then begging them to correct you (cue humility!).
What is key is that both of you be in a calm headspace when you first start speaking, free of distractions and giving each other full eye contact. If you're the listener, you should take notes on what your partner is saying when they're the speaker. When you're the speaker, you should focus on using a softened start-up, sharing your feelings and thoughts by using “I” statements and asking for any of your needs to be met in a positive and respectful way. If you start to get overly emotional and think that you might be getting flooded (fight/flight/freeze response), it's a good time to ask for a brief break:
Begin the conversation with a soft or curious tone. Use an “I” statement and express something you need. For example, “Hey do you mind if we talk about something? I felt a little frustrated when you spoke down to me in front of our kids at dinner. Could you please be aware of that in the future?" This is a lot gentler than a harsh "Hey! Stop being a jerk at dinner and talking down to me in front of our kids!".
Take turns speaking and listening. As the speaker, you should communicate clearly and honestly. Where does your perspective or position on the issue come from, and what does it mean for you? What kinds of big dreams or core issues are on the line here for you?
As the listener, it's your job to make a "safe space" for your partner to be able to open up as the speaker. Don't start judging or arguing, and don’t give advice or try to solve the problem (yet). Put your own agenda or perspective up on the shelf for a moment. Show genuine interest in what your partner is telling you, and allow them enough time and space to fully communicate their concerns. Ask questions so that you can both fully explore the issue and its related meaning.
Too upset to talk? Keep interrupting and not being a good listener? Take a 5 to 20-minute break, and do something soothing and distracting that will help you calm down. Don't listen to punk music and replay what a jerk your partner is. Try to completely distract yourself. When you return to talk, only one of you should “have the floor” to talk while the other partner listens. DO NOT INTERRUPT! THIS IS NOT A TWO-WAY CONVERSATION BACK AND FORTH, JUST ONE LISTENER AND ONE SPEAKER!
Find ways to create small temporary, experimental compromises that can make it possible for both of your core needs to be honored here. If your dreams really are different, try to find any areas where they overlap, like a ven diagram, or try to make plans to give each partner’s dreams a chance at different times (take turns).
As a couples therapist, I can confidently guarantee that your relationship has perpetual problems, like all relationships, and that these problems WILL appear throughout your lives as a couple and never be resolved. Psychologist Dan Wile once said that “when choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.” No one can escape this reality of being in a relationship with a person who is different than you. Fortunately, we have decades of research that helps couples learn how to manage such conflicts and keep their love alive and well. Thankfully, if you need help, there are great therapists (like Jessica Settle and our other couples therapists on staff) to help you if and when you need a little help!
Click on the following image to read about our tips before moving in with our partner in Apartmentguide.com Article!
