SHAME VS GUILT

Shame and guilt are something I see a lot in the couples that I work with, especially in their arguments or when one person asks for a change from the other. So, what is the difference?

Shame is an emotion that shuts us down, whereas guilt can be a motivator. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.”

Guilt is perfectly fine. We are not always at 100%. We make mistakes, we are absent-minded, and we are harsh when we should have been gentle. It happens. This is part of what being human is. Shame, on the other hand, is a reaction that shuts everything down, freezes us, and demands all of the air in the room. Shame can take different forms, depending on the temperament of the person. It can show up as a defensive response or by shutting down.

If you are a partner who struggles with shame, remember to stop and notice that voice in your head that says “I’m a terrible person” after your partner has asked for something. Try instead to say “I’m human. It’s okay if I mess up. I can make it up.” This way you are keeping the ball in play and there is potential to continue to address what your partner needs.

Take responsibility when you catch yourself going down the shame spiral. Avoid responding defensively, shutting down, or going to that shameful place of “I am such a horrible partner.”

Click on the link (bottom) to watch our latest video on this full topic with our Gottman-Trained therapist at Couples Counseling ATL, Matthew Richardson. Finally, stay tuned these next couple of weeks to learn more about different upcoming topics!