When Relationship Fizzle… Why is the Passion Gone?
I have a story for you. A dear friend called me the other day, seeming okay at first, when she broke out into unexpected tears, confessing that her marriage had "fizzled" and "lost its passion". She felt alone and wondered if there was something wrong with her, her husband, or her entire marriage because the passion had waned to a flicker. They hadn't had sex in months, and they both seem to prefer ice cream and Netflix most nights over anything sexual. Flirting had stopped years ago, and she wondered if he was attracted to her anymore.
My friend and her husband are two very attractive people, who despite the wear and tear of marriage, children, busy careers, have always loved each other, and had as much passion as anyone usually has early in their relationship during the "infatuation" stage. According to her, they'd even managed to keep passion alive for much of their several years of dating and 10 years of marriage; despite so many "good years", my friend couldn't understand why their relationship and intimacy has really struggled in the past two years (umm, could the pandemic be part of this?). But I really felt for her and wanted to help.
Like most people who confess this all-too-common problem to me, whether a friend or a couples therapy client, I try to listen to their understandable pain and confusion. If you, too, are struggling like my friend, you're not alone. Likely, you're asking yourself
What does this lack of passion mean?
Are we doomed to being sexless "roommates"?
Can anything be done?
Is this how all long term relationships and marriages end up?
Should we just get divorced?
First of all, if you're feeling this way, don't panic. There is likely a lot that can be done to improve your "spark" and passion for one another again, so don't throw in the towel just yet. Believe me, things can change. Another friend who was "on the verge of divorce" every time she called me last year has been "so much sex" the past year with her husband "it's like we're back to dating again".
The truth is that the majority of modern, western, long-term committed "love" marriages and relationships all had a very passionate spark at one time, even if they've lost it since. You may remember.... feelings were intense, you spent as much time together as possible, and you both had a difficult time keeping your hands off each other.
Maybe you decided to proceed to the next stage of the relationship and move in together, get married, maybe even have children. Within a couple of months or years, you have began to wonder what happened. Where did all the passion go? It can be painful to wonder what happened and whether or not anything can be done to bring it back.
Maybe this is you. Let’s talk about what happened.
WHAT HAPPENS TO PASSION?
1. You acclimate. When you see each other every day, usually after marriage or moving in, and the novelty of an amazing new love wears off, it's human nature to acclimate to one another. Many people begin to make the mistake of assuming that you already know everything about someone else, so you stop making conversation, and you don't intentionally invest in closeness and connection anymore. Every couple has to move from the initial blind infatuation to a more knowing post-infatuation, which is the "real" stage of the relationship when real closeness is possible, knowing each others' flaws and all.
What can be problematic during this stage is if and when you stop being curious, you stop asking questions and making conversation, and you stop showing interest in one another. As life happens, and you share it together, it's also easy to slip into the bad habit of hiding yourself from your partner, not opening up and sharing the best and worst parts of your day, what excites you, what you're afraid of, etc. And it's even easier to hide from emotional intimacy when you’re tired, stressed, or grumpy (to name a few reasons).
So what can you do? Plan activities with your partner to have that quality time just the two of you. Turn the tv off and put your phones down. Better yet, lock them up. They are truly a modern problem! Establish a regular time every day to just talk and check in, with money, children and chores off limits (which can help with feeling like best friends / lovers again). Don't have money for a sitter? Wait Start to see them with fresh eyes and assume that you can never know everything about them, but that falling back in love usually starts with better, more intimate conversation.
2. You no longer have to arrange to see each other. When you were just dating, and less serious, you had to be intentional about spending time together and investing in the relationship. When you're more seriously committed and live together, it's easy to just stop being intentional, and to just rest on the connection you've already built. So if there isn’t the ritual of regularly arranging a time to spend time with one other, in a special way that says "I choose you every day, and I'm not done having fun with you". If you don't stay intentional about creating rituals for connection, you start treating each other like the furniture you pass in the hallway, and they fade to the recesses of your mind.
It's easy to begin taking each other for granted, to stop being intentional about creating time and space to spend quality time together. Being around each other all the time (hello pandemic!) also makes it more difficult to “miss each other”, and also wanting to plan to spend time together. So make the time you intentionally spend with one another device free, with your full attention and presence, and actually do something worthwhile with one another so that you look forward to spending time together again.
3. You “forget” to do the special things you did for each other. When life becomes routine, it’s easy to skip the little things you used to do for each other and take each other for granted. No one is a bad guy here, and usually not from a malicious place. I call it an accidental neglect, especially if like most people, you weren't taught other couples' strategies for keeping thriving relationships. So if you were never taught how important it is to consistently invest in the relationship and make your partner feel special and appreciated, this is an honest mistake. It's human nature to get too used to each other and instead to turn towards our phones, work, hobbies, children or the million other potential factors that can vie for your attention every day.
Do special things for each other that communicate love: gifts, compliments, words of affirmation. Remind each other what you like about each other. Don't assume that they "already know"; instead, make them know with certainty how you feel about them on a regular basis. Begin "courting" each other again, and never stop. Like watering a plant (and I've killed a cactus), your relationship needs regular care or it will die. Start sharing words of appreciation for one another and make it meaningful when you compliment them. For example, look them in the eyes and touch their arm when you say a compliment.
REFLECTION:
Luckily, despite the routine of life which comes from work schedules, caring for the home, being part of each other’s families, and, perhaps, establishing a family of your own, there are ways to reflect and re-ignite the passion in your relationship.
List what you enjoyed most about the early part of your relationship and want to be sure it keeps happening.
How has your relationship changed as it has matured?
What expectations do you have about your partner that may not be getting met? Have you discussed this with them yet? Think about how you could express yourself with kindness and honesty.
What expectations have you noticed your partner may have for you that you weren’t expecting?
