When to consider Discernment Counseling
WHETHER OR NOT TO STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP/ MARRIAGE OR LEAVE?
Should you do individual therapy or couples therapy? What if you are at those cross rodes and not sure if you want to continue with your relationship?
This is a topic dear to my heart because there are a lot of couples that are hurting. They feel very lost and confused in limbo mode. There is a lot of fear, “what if I do leave?” what would that look like? There are a lot of insecurities. One of the things I encourage couples is for both of them to reach out for some help because there is something called “discernment counseling”.
It’s not specifically to work on the relationship, that is not the main priority. The main priority is to slow everything down and find some clarity and confidence in order to get out of limbo mode. It is a process, it is supposed to be very short, where we flush out “what would it look like if you do decide to stay in the marriage the next 6 months”. It’s also to work on pulling back those layers and flushing them out.
Also, on the other hand, no matter how good the couple is, some couples’ relationships just don’t work out. in that way we are going to slow it down and talk about those fears and what would happen if you did get divorced. Whether it’s financial stressors, what do we do with the kids, or how do we make it amicable in the midst of everything. Because a lot of people don’t believe in divorce, they have been taught that there are some stigmas to it. During that discernment process, there is no judgment on the therapist´s end. It’s finding that clarity and that confidence to get out of limbo mode to make a decision.
Often one person is leaning into staying and the other leaning into going. It’s a good way to push pause and consider what does it really mean to stay and work on this? What would be required on both of our sides of the street to make it healthy again, or if that is even possible. To help people pause and think about how each of them has contributed to the struggle in the relationship. So whether you choose to stay or go, there is confidence and clarity about why it has gotten to this point. I like to think of discernment counseling more as a diagnosis/prognosis, this is the state of the marriage/ relationship right now, this is what you are struggling with, this is both of your part in it. And to help people feel confident about picking 6 months really all in closing the door in divorce or to choose ending feeling really confident that that is what you want. Most people don’t choose the third option “staying in limbo”.
OTHER TIPS/ RESOURCES/ RECOMMENDATIONS FOR COUPLES?
I think the biggest thing, is that if you end this limbo mode, there is hope! Whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not, it’s really hard to be confused, be hurt, or really not know what to do. There are great resources to read to find that clarity, the book “Should I Try To Work It Out” is a classic! Another one is “Too Good to Leave to Bad To Stay”.
