What Are Bids For Connection?
WHAT IS A BID AND WHY SHOULD COUPLES KNOW ABOUT IT?
A bid is so important for couples because it’s how you can get your partner’s attention or how you can have that little moment throughout the day. There are several kinds of bids for connection. There is a positive bid for connection, so if you make a comment saying “ oh look, it’s sunny outside” and your partner responds “oh yeah, it is sunny”, that’s a bid for connection because your partner was able to get their attention, there was a little moment right there.
There is also a misbid for a connection. So if your partner makes a comment and they don’t respond back, or they feel ignored. That might not be a significant thing at the moment, but the more that happens, it kind of plans that thing in your mind “ hm, why would I try to interact with my partner if I’m just left with silence”. So there are a lot of those misbids for connection, that can really cause distance or some hurt within a couple.
And the last one is a failed bid for a connection. So your partner reaches out saying “ oh look, it’s sunny out” and they respond, “would you stop talking to me, I am trying to work on XYZ”, so the reply is “ I was only commenting on the weather, fine I’ll never talk to you about it again!” slamming the door. That is a failed bid, doesn’t really happen, doesn’t cause that connection.
It’s really important for couples to recognize “oh is this a bid for a connection?” or is my partner verbal or non-verbal, giving me a signal to connect. It’s important to think of everything, every interaction, everything about your partner, everything you do and doesn’t do with your partner is really building the quality of the connection between you.
Happy couples are making a lot of bids and for the most part, we know statistically that 80% of the time, they are turning towards those bids and they are trying to be responsive. Even if you could care less if it’s sunny out and you’re reading your newspaper! it’s really defeating and it feels really bad as a human when you are trying to start a conversation or you are asking or complaining about something, and your partner ignores you or dismisses it or even worse… puts you down for even trying to connect! It’s a time to show up for your partner, this is really going to build trust, connection, and joy in terms of making a relationship feel right.
