Do Our Therapists Recommend “US” By Terry Real? Book Club Discussion
Why can your partner push your buttons so effectively? What does your childhood have to do with how you approach conflict as an adult?How can the worst fights make your relationship even more connected than before?
Our couples therapists recently discussed these questions and so much more, after reading Terry Real's newest book, "US: Getting past you and me to we". Our team loved this book, especially for anyone in flawed relationships who are nevertheless committed to persevering, healing, and making things work.
This book offers valuable insights into overcoming toxic emotional habits and navigating conflict in relationships. One of the main ideas discussed is the concept of the Adaptive child that we all form as young children, which influences our behavior in adulthood, especially during times of stress. Additionally, the book emphasizes the importance of ditching negative perceptions of our partners and learning to communicate effectively, even in challenging situations.
Each therapist shared their key takeaways from the book, highlighting the practical strategies for improving communication and building resilience in relationships. From recognizing the impact of trauma to embracing vulnerability and soft power, "Us" provides a roadmap for fostering deeper connections with our partners.
We're inspired by the hope and empowerment found within these pages, reminding us that no matter our past experiences, we have the power to create loving and fulfilling relationships.
Stephanie Cook, Director, LCSW: "As a Gottman-certified therapist, I found Real's insights on overcoming toxic emotional habits particularly relevant. The concept of the Adaptive child resonated with me, highlighting the importance of understanding our childhood influences on adult behavior. Real's emphasis on communication during conflict reinforces Gottman's principles, reminding us to ditch negative perceptions and embrace vulnerability."
David Blanchard: "The clarity of Real's approach stood out to me. His ability to name and identify patterns of behavior offers practical strategies for couples. I appreciated the overlay with Gottman's methods, providing a fresh perspective on familiar concepts. Bringing Real's language into our discussions has enriched our therapeutic interventions and deepened our clients' understanding of their relationships."
Giovanna de Almeida: "Real's discussion on 'soft power' was particularly insightful for me. His practical guide to approaching conversations with appreciation and acceptance resonated with my therapeutic approach. By acknowledging the importance of timing and gratitude, Real offers a framework for nurturing connection and resolving conflicts with empathy."
Jessica Hart: "The book's message of hope was a standout for me. Real reminds us that no matter our past experiences, there is always the potential for growth and healing in relationships. His exploration of trauma and the different parts of ourselves encourages introspection and self-awareness, essential elements in the therapeutic process."
Matthew Richardson: "I appreciated Real's candid exploration of societal influences on relationships, particularly for men. His recognition of the impact of patriarchy and the need to unlearn harmful norms resonated with my work with male clients. By challenging traditional gender roles and offering practical tools for change, Real empowers couples to create healthier dynamics."
Elizabeth Clements: "Real's willingness to challenge conventional therapeutic approaches was refreshing. His call to action to therapists to take sides and confront harmful patterns of behavior was bold but necessary. By acknowledging the complexities of relationships and embracing a more active role in therapy, Real invites us to step outside our comfort zones and advocate for our clients' growth."
Top takeaways from this book:
You can overcome toxic emotional habits.
Don’t fight your adaptive child – parent them.
To get through fights, you've got to get rid of your core negative image of your partner (the cartoonish villain).
After trauma, you have to build something new and better, not just heal from the trauma.
Summary:
Staying stuck in a "you-and-me" perspective results in tit for tat scorekeeping, bitterness, entitelement, and major power struggles. For long-lasting peace and contentment in. your relationships, you've got to let go of your own ego and start putting “us” before “you” and “me.” Real discusses very practical strategies for succeeding at this newer "us" perspective: 1) parenting your adaptive child, 2) letting go of negative core images, and 3) implementing us-focused feedback.
Go watch our latest video as our team of therapists shares their unique insights and perspectives on our recent book club selection.Stay tuned for our next book club pick, and remember, love is always a work in progress!
