Financial Stress

Usually, we hear couples talk about how it’s a source of conflict, a source of stress, often couples have different philosophies about money and maybe there have been years of conflict and tension bout money.

WHAT ARE WE SEEING WHEN IT COMES TO COUPLES AND MONEY STRESS AND HOW DO WE BEGIN HELPING?

Without finances, you can’t buy groceries, or pay bills, it’s that mindset. This is something we have been seeing recently, inflation, the pandemic, people being let go of their jobs, people recognizing they can’t afford to live with their income, finding a second income, etc. We’ve noticed that it’s not really about the amount in your bank account that people tend to fight about, it’s more about what money means to each of them.

So between my husband and I, money means different things. For me, money means a sense of stability, security, and paying bills every month. My husband sees finances as a level of freedom. He likes spending money to go on adventures, etc. So when you have two different personalities/styles, they can clash. A lot of couples come to see us because they are stressed out about finances, and having arguments about it, we help them pull back those layers to really understand what does money mean. Or how can we create a win-win situation so that both people can have that security and that freedom to spend at the same time, without it turning into WWIII. It’s helpful to know that even an expert couples therapist also has to deal with difficult conversations sometimes.

We begin by exploring how the relationship is with money, what does it mean to them, and the spender vs saver dynamic (that’s very common). We help couples to slow down and to learn more about how we can create a win-win vs couples who are afraid of compromise because they are terrified of not being able to save enough or have the freedom to spend. Often times it becomes a debate that ends up going nowhere.

We also see that it just become a hot topic that seems to go nowhere, it’s gridlock. So maybe a sense of despair of not talking about it, they choose to avoid talking about it "(seeing those amazon boxes everywhere, not saying anything, but resenting behind their back). We have seen people with secret credit cards, people start to lie to each other and try to avoid conflict. there is a better alternative than WWIII or avoidance of the topic together.

One of the biggest things, especially when it comes to finances, there is a lot of fear behind them. People haven’t been taught how to create a budget, they haven’t been taught what does it mean to have savings, etc. Instead of just “charging it”, it’s taking ownership and responsibility. One of the things that have been helpful is this little key phrase that says “Action Cures Fear”. Taking a baby step action is going to help start that conversation between you and your partner and work through that fear. It doesn’t all have to be resolved in one conversation, just begin a dialogue.