WHEN YOUR PARTNER OR SPOUSE IS DEPRESSED
If your partner or spouse seems depressed there is actually a lot that you can do to help. As a couples therapist, I see this all the time. There are noticeable changes that you may be seeing in your partner that could be signaling depression, such as in their behavior or mood, or the signs could be more subtle.
Perhaps they are not sleeping well or they are eating or drinking a lot more or a lot less. Maybe they haven't been interested in sex lately or they’re moodier. Maybe they've been more irritable or have had unexpected outbursts. Perhaps they have been reluctant to connect with you or anyone else for that matter. Maybe they’re avoiding hobbies or activities that they once enjoyed. Or maybe they are starting to get more obsessive or into compulsive behaviors like spending a lot of money, drinking a lot of alcohol, gambling, or porn.
Most of us who have a depressed partner want to respond in kind with a similar mood or behavior. If they are getting angry, we want to respond with anger or criticism. If their behavior feels unkind, we may want to respond with defensiveness or our own disagreeable behavior. As understandable as this impulse is, know that if you engage in this "eye for an eye" behavior, it could very likely become a vicious cycle in which your partner becomes more depressed and irritable, and you become angrier, feeling even more upset and distant from them.
Remember that it is not your fault. These are common occurrences with depression. Usually, depressed individuals are not able to see their own problems clearly. They often don’t believe they have a problem at first. Or they don’t believe that it can be fixed. Maybe they admit “Yeah, I'm depressed," but they don’t feel hopeful about it being fixed. Do not give up. Continue to encourage them, to be affectionate with them and love them, and continue to share your hope. But also be very firm that this isn’t going to fix itself and that you really need them to go seek some help.
Again, remember there is hope. You can take care of yourself and get support during this difficult period of time even if your partner is not currently willing to seek help. Most people, when they have someone who loves them and cares about them and who continues to share a concern, will eventually say yes to help. The middle ground is going to be loving but firm.
Click on the link (bottom) to watch our latest video on this full topic with our Director and Gottman-Trained therapist at Couples Counseling ATL, Stephanie Cook, where she explains everything in detail. Finally, stay tuned these next couple of weeks to learn more about different upcoming topics!
